My terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

When thinking about my day yesterday, it reminded me of a day that could possibly be classified as being worse than eating ants for lunch. Here's the scoop:

First, I woke up at 6 am barfing.

Second, my alarm (which I'm sure I set with some brilliant planning in my drunken stooper) went off at 845, which gave me approximately negative 10 minutes to leave and be on time to class my first day. Since my alarm went off so late, I thought "well, if you HAVE to miss a day of school, missing the first day WOULD be the best day to miss..." But I thought that would be a bad way to start the new year off-and this was gonna be a GOOD year-, so I sucked it up and went to brush my teeth. Simultaneously, Burly comes walking out of her room in her towel saying "fuck. fuck. fuck." with every step she took. She had to be at work at 9, so we were both running late.

I finally got to school, and couldn't go any further without a diet coke. I needed a caffeine fix in a bad way. So I buy my diet coke for 75 cents (highway robbery) and walk into class 15 minutes late. I walk up to the teacher to grab the syllabus and WHOOSH!-my diet coke falls, splashing everywhere on the floor. Great start.

I look up and the teacher looked PISSSSSSSSSSSED. I couldn't apologize (well, I could have apologized but didn't) and I didn't know her name yet and I couldn't read my syllabus to figure it out because the diet coke had smeared the fresh ink. I was not in a perky mood myself, so I looked up and said, "Look Teach, I know this diet coke needs to be wiped up, and I have every intention of cleaning it, but I really need the caffeine that is now splattered on the floor. So during my trip to the bathroom for paper towels, I'm going to stop by the vending machines and get a diet coke. I'll be right back." Needless to say, I had a little 'talking to' after class...

Then, I get to leave school. So I call Burly to tell her how my day had been so far, and I spot a Dairy Queen. It was like UT had beat OU. I started screaming "WHOOOOO!! WHOOO!!! I'm getting a blizzard! WHOOO!!" It was like, all my problems ever in my life could be solved by this one perfect blizzard I was about to buy. I drive over to Dairy Queen and am sitting in front of the drive through window for what seemed like FOREVER! I started saying "HELLO?! Hello? DOES ANYBODY WORK HERE?!!" Then the lady speaks to me through the speakers and says, "Uh, ma'am. We're not opened until 11." I said, "I'll wait." And she goes, "That's like, 35 minutes..." I was like, "Oh, okay. I'll go." I REALLY need to get a clock in my car...

That plan foiled. So I drove down Stasney and the train crossing rails come down. I'm like, 2 cars back from the bars and the line of cars behind me is piling up. I've never had a problem with Union Pacific. In fact, if I had to choose, they would probably be my favorite train company. But today, they failed me. I'm watching the train go by and I'm thinking, "Wow...this is a looooooooong train. Kinda cool...Is it slowing down. Why is it slowing down? WHY IS IT SLOWING DOWN?!"...then...it stopped. Union Pacific conductors think they own the whole fucking road. Everybody behind me is able to do the turn around, but there was (of course) one freaking car that blocked my way.
A hippie lady.
With dreads.
Driving a Volkswagen van.
All she had to do was turn around, then I could turn around, and we could both be on our merry little ways. But that lady was DETERMINED to out wait the train. So I had to HOP THE CURB in my BUICK in order to turn around. My Buick! The aligning was NEVER the same after that. And all because that hippie lady, probably for the first time in her life, was following through with something; out waiting the Union Pacific train.

This all happened before 11. It was a long morning. And to reward myself for my bravery and perseverance, I napped (nekkid) in Burly's bed the entire afternoon.