Violent Revolution

Disclaimer: Not appropriate reading for the male gender, or really anyone who is queezy at the thought of discussing "the Ute".

So here I am, at work, minding my business on a rainy day when lo and behold I get hit like a ton of bricks by my period. And this isn't your run of the mill, a little cranky a little tired a little bloated period. No, this is the kind that makes me consider a self-administered hysterectomy using the chopsticks that came with my lunchtime soup dumplings. My Ute is in full on gorilla warfare mode and is taking no prisoners. If ever there were a documented case of XX chromosomal rebellion, this is it.

Now to combat this problem, I palmed the recommend dosage of Midol in preparation -- hoping to head off homicidal tendencies at the pass. The over the counter drug has indeed done its job in that regard, with one minor side-effect.... I'm now high off my ass. This is from a girl who has never done an elicit drug but who does hallucinate off Nyquil. Laugh if you will.

"Ha ha, you talk to your teddy bear when you take Nyquil."

"Ha ha you see slow motion lines following you hand right now while you're at work."

It's all fun and games until you have to do anything productive... like focus on something other than that tingling feeling creeping up my arms.

In other news, I leave you with this old email change that always brings a laugh to my day when I hit that time of the month. It's a letter written by a very disgruntled Texas woman to the Always corporation.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’ Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'

Are you fu*ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.