Does anyone else out there fucking HATE Central Market*?
First of all, there is only ONE entrance to the store. ONE! PLENTY of exits (so that people can sprint out for the sake of their sanity). Then, once you walk into the (single) entrance, you are immediately stepping into a maze. The place is a fucking labyrinth. There is no rhyme or reason to the way they set things up. Hence, the information booth located directly to the right of the (single) entrance. What kind of grocery store requires an information booth that hands out a map of the store?! Call me old fashion, but having ISLE NUMBERS with the corresponding items on the isle listed below the number is direction enough. I have a hankering for Skittles? I'll go to isle 6, the candy isle. Do I need ALWAYS OVERNIGHT PADS WITH WINGS-EXTRA LONG FOR EXTRA PROTECTION? I'll go to the last isle in the store (which is safely tucked away as to not upset manly men) the FEMININE HYGIENE isle.
Central Market doesn't have things like NUMBERED ISLES or CONVENIENT LISTINGS OF PRODUCTS ON ISLES. They don't even have things like "white bread", "Q-tips", or "all-purpose flour". Instead, they have things like "PREBIOTIC BREADS",the highly controversial "EAR CANDLES", or "GLUTEN FLOUR" (in bulk). Just sick.
Once you get past the overpriced produce sections, (Apples for $4.20 a pound?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I can get those puppies for $1.19 a pound at a REGULAR grocery store- COMPLETE WITH a shiny waxy cover and plenty of pesticides to kill the DISGUSTING pests), you come to a fork in the road. Do you go to the right (where the isles are filled with brown recycled boxes and artsy labels), or to the left (where the isles are filled with brown recycled boxes and less-artsy labels). Whatever you do, do NOT take too long deciding which way to go because you WILL be run over by some dreadlocked hippie wearing Birkenstocks, a FREE YOUR MIND tye-dyed shirt and smelling like they haven't showered for weeks. Seriously, you do NOT want to get in the way of someone who knows their way around Central Market- they will run over you and leave you crumpled on the floor and crying out for your mommy.
ANYWAY, it doesn't really matter which way you pick because BOTH ways are the wrong way. In fact, ALL WAYS are wrong. You will never find a single item off your grocery list in that store (unless, of course, you're looking for sugar-free candy made out of dirt). How many isles can one store have of homeopathic BULL SHIT? The only reason I even went in to Central Market is because I heard a rumor (obviously a lie) that it was a grocery store and I had a hankerin' for a cookie. I never found the cookie but I did find a place that makes normal people go insane and smells like shit.
Preacher loves you and your local pesticide riddled food store.
*I have actually only been to one Central Market (off 38th and Lamar), but I, without question ,assume all Central Markets are set similarly.
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