Does anyone else out there fucking HATE Central Market*?
First of all, there is only ONE entrance to the store. ONE! PLENTY of exits (so that people can sprint out for the sake of their sanity). Then, once you walk into the (single) entrance, you are immediately stepping into a maze. The place is a fucking labyrinth. There is no rhyme or reason to the way they set things up. Hence, the information booth located directly to the right of the (single) entrance. What kind of grocery store requires an information booth that hands out a map of the store?! Call me old fashion, but having ISLE NUMBERS with the corresponding items on the isle listed below the number is direction enough. I have a hankering for Skittles? I'll go to isle 6, the candy isle. Do I need ALWAYS OVERNIGHT PADS WITH WINGS-EXTRA LONG FOR EXTRA PROTECTION? I'll go to the last isle in the store (which is safely tucked away as to not upset manly men) the FEMININE HYGIENE isle.
Central Market doesn't have things like NUMBERED ISLES or CONVENIENT LISTINGS OF PRODUCTS ON ISLES. They don't even have things like "white bread", "Q-tips", or "all-purpose flour". Instead, they have things like "PREBIOTIC BREADS",the highly controversial "EAR CANDLES", or "GLUTEN FLOUR" (in bulk). Just sick.
Once you get past the overpriced produce sections, (Apples for $4.20 a pound?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I can get those puppies for $1.19 a pound at a REGULAR grocery store- COMPLETE WITH a shiny waxy cover and plenty of pesticides to kill the DISGUSTING pests), you come to a fork in the road. Do you go to the right (where the isles are filled with brown recycled boxes and artsy labels), or to the left (where the isles are filled with brown recycled boxes and less-artsy labels). Whatever you do, do NOT take too long deciding which way to go because you WILL be run over by some dreadlocked hippie wearing Birkenstocks, a FREE YOUR MIND tye-dyed shirt and smelling like they haven't showered for weeks. Seriously, you do NOT want to get in the way of someone who knows their way around Central Market- they will run over you and leave you crumpled on the floor and crying out for your mommy.
ANYWAY, it doesn't really matter which way you pick because BOTH ways are the wrong way. In fact, ALL WAYS are wrong. You will never find a single item off your grocery list in that store (unless, of course, you're looking for sugar-free candy made out of dirt). How many isles can one store have of homeopathic BULL SHIT? The only reason I even went in to Central Market is because I heard a rumor (obviously a lie) that it was a grocery store and I had a hankerin' for a cookie. I never found the cookie but I did find a place that makes normal people go insane and smells like shit.
Preacher loves you and your local pesticide riddled food store.
*I have actually only been to one Central Market (off 38th and Lamar), but I, without question ,assume all Central Markets are set similarly.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Feed me, bitch.
Today's post is brought to you by my sincere hatred for all things tropical storm related.
In the past, I haven't been, what you'd say, a "model student." In fact, I used to be able to justify pretty much any reason to not get out of bed and go to class. "I didn't do the homework," "There is a REALLY good episode of I Love Lucy on and I can't miss it," "Class starts in 15 minutes and even though I live 8 minutes away, I'm pretty sure I'd be late and that would just be really annoying/disrespectful to walk in late," "It's too hot out," "It's too cold out," "It's sooooo nice out!" You get the picture. But, after taking that year and a half off from school and working in the "real world," I've realized I don't get to justify not going to work. I have to go to work to pay bills and buy my booze. So, this whole mindset of having to have really, really good excuses has carried over into this school year (ugh, I feel cheap just writing that).
So here we are today, I'm up, I'm doing shit, I'm getting ready for school when Tropical Storm Hermine starts to wreck shop in San Antonio. Again, in the past, this would have been enough for me to get back in pajamas and watch DVDs all day (in fact, in undergrad, I once got dressed to go to campus, left my house, walked to the end of the walkway, saw the puddles of water in the street, said "fuck it" and turned around and went back inside), but not today! I decided that if I were going to miss class, I was going to miss class for something way more fun (like day drinking) than because of some stupid rain. Ha. Silly Dragon Slayer.
I'm not from a coastal town. I'm from fucking Dallas. We seldom get tornadoes. The wind isn't that bad. I just learned what makes a tropical storm a tropical storm (although, that is such a lie, I still don't know...and why don't tornadoes get names?). So, when I decided to venture out in this "little rain storm," I had no idea what was in store. First off, San Antonio's streets apparently flood reeeeeal fricking easily. And I just got a new car. No longer am I driving around in my tall ass SUV, I'm in some bullshit car that sits low to the ground. And I keep forgetting that fact. So, I'm barrelling down the streets like I can't be affected by this petty rain, when I hit a pond that has formed in the middle of the road and realize, perhaps I shall take this seriously.
THEN, my car is all "oh hey owner lady, I need gas. Feed me, bitch." So, I pull over at one of the gas stations that has "cover," get out, and the 40 mph wind picks up and DRENCHES ME with its sideways rain. I felt so great when I was getting ready for class, got my new jeans, makeup did, just to find myself completely wet from head to to (is that what she said?). But, I don't let this get me down. I was going to make it to class if it was the last thing I did.
So, I drive along to school (had to make a detour after going my normal route and finding a tree had fallen and taken over the entire street). Ya know...looking back, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I should have kept my ass at home.
But, I digress. I finally made it to school an hour later (which, BEE TEE DUB, it typically takes me less than 15 minutes to get to school). I park, prepare myself and run to class, landing perfectly in each 4 inch puddle on the way. I make it to the classroom building, my jeans wrapped around my legs, hair wet and curling, and water pooling in my backpack (with my laptop! shit!) when the doors open and people start pouring out. I look around and see several students from my class and ask "Did they cancel classes?" Yeah. That's right. THEY FUCKING DID. Power went out on campus and they cancelled classes. I BRAVED TROPICAL STORM HERMINE JUST TO GET TO CAMPUS AND THEM TELL ME IT WAS ALL IN VAIN.
So, I went back home, only to find out that my power was out as well, opened up my laptop and watched Wimbledon, because hey, who doesn't love a good love story based around tennis?
And now, I hear more wind and rain outside my window. Fuck. My. Life.
In the past, I haven't been, what you'd say, a "model student." In fact, I used to be able to justify pretty much any reason to not get out of bed and go to class. "I didn't do the homework," "There is a REALLY good episode of I Love Lucy on and I can't miss it," "Class starts in 15 minutes and even though I live 8 minutes away, I'm pretty sure I'd be late and that would just be really annoying/disrespectful to walk in late," "It's too hot out," "It's too cold out," "It's sooooo nice out!" You get the picture. But, after taking that year and a half off from school and working in the "real world," I've realized I don't get to justify not going to work. I have to go to work to pay bills and buy my booze. So, this whole mindset of having to have really, really good excuses has carried over into this school year (ugh, I feel cheap just writing that).
So here we are today, I'm up, I'm doing shit, I'm getting ready for school when Tropical Storm Hermine starts to wreck shop in San Antonio. Again, in the past, this would have been enough for me to get back in pajamas and watch DVDs all day (in fact, in undergrad, I once got dressed to go to campus, left my house, walked to the end of the walkway, saw the puddles of water in the street, said "fuck it" and turned around and went back inside), but not today! I decided that if I were going to miss class, I was going to miss class for something way more fun (like day drinking) than because of some stupid rain. Ha. Silly Dragon Slayer.
I'm not from a coastal town. I'm from fucking Dallas. We seldom get tornadoes. The wind isn't that bad. I just learned what makes a tropical storm a tropical storm (although, that is such a lie, I still don't know...and why don't tornadoes get names?). So, when I decided to venture out in this "little rain storm," I had no idea what was in store. First off, San Antonio's streets apparently flood reeeeeal fricking easily. And I just got a new car. No longer am I driving around in my tall ass SUV, I'm in some bullshit car that sits low to the ground. And I keep forgetting that fact. So, I'm barrelling down the streets like I can't be affected by this petty rain, when I hit a pond that has formed in the middle of the road and realize, perhaps I shall take this seriously.
THEN, my car is all "oh hey owner lady, I need gas. Feed me, bitch." So, I pull over at one of the gas stations that has "cover," get out, and the 40 mph wind picks up and DRENCHES ME with its sideways rain. I felt so great when I was getting ready for class, got my new jeans, makeup did, just to find myself completely wet from head to to (is that what she said?). But, I don't let this get me down. I was going to make it to class if it was the last thing I did.
So, I drive along to school (had to make a detour after going my normal route and finding a tree had fallen and taken over the entire street). Ya know...looking back, I wonder what the fuck I was thinking. I should have kept my ass at home.
But, I digress. I finally made it to school an hour later (which, BEE TEE DUB, it typically takes me less than 15 minutes to get to school). I park, prepare myself and run to class, landing perfectly in each 4 inch puddle on the way. I make it to the classroom building, my jeans wrapped around my legs, hair wet and curling, and water pooling in my backpack (with my laptop! shit!) when the doors open and people start pouring out. I look around and see several students from my class and ask "Did they cancel classes?" Yeah. That's right. THEY FUCKING DID. Power went out on campus and they cancelled classes. I BRAVED TROPICAL STORM HERMINE JUST TO GET TO CAMPUS AND THEM TELL ME IT WAS ALL IN VAIN.
So, I went back home, only to find out that my power was out as well, opened up my laptop and watched Wimbledon, because hey, who doesn't love a good love story based around tennis?
And now, I hear more wind and rain outside my window. Fuck. My. Life.
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