Dead in a Grease Fire

I wake up this morning to find this posted on my facebook wall by none other than Preacher:

"Drunk and PISSED you haven't posted in a while. Your fan misses your wit."

Thanks, bitch.

But then, she comments on her OWN post with:

"fan=singular"

There really wasn't anything I could do other than like it. Both of them.

So, ladies and gents Preacher and my one fan, here I am. In all my weathered glory.

I know I make excuses all of the time about the reason for my lack of posting, but you'll just have to deal with it some more. Sometimes, drinking 3 rather strong margaritas after being in the sun/heat for 7 hours just seems like a much better idea than coming home at a reasonable hour and bootin' up the ol' HP to entertain you guys.

Speaking of getting drunk without realizing it, I really need to put a breathalyzer on my phone/facebook. I never say anything that I completely regret the next day, but hell, never say never. Amirite?

Speaking of needing a breathalyzer, I think today's post will revolve around shit I've done or has been done to me whilst I was drunk.

For my 25th birthday, I decided I would host a themed party. And by "I would host," I mean "the bars on 6th Street in Austin, Texas would host." And by "themed party," I mean "dressing up in costumes and bar hopping up and down 6th Street in Austin, Texas." What greater theme than Totally Tubular 80's? So, I don my highlighter yellow t-shirt, blue tights, leg warmers, neon colored Converse and I crimp the ever-living shit out of my hair. My sister, who actually went to UT-Austin in the 80s...and partied up and down 6th Street in the 80s...and is, in general, old as fuck, dragged us into one of those bars that have to give out free drinks to get people to come into the bar. My group and I are having a good time, drinking our free drinks and staring at people who were staring at us when some dudes who clearly thought they were necessary life forms, started hitting on various girl friends of mine. Now, I'm not the most pleasant person. Especially if you're some dude who expects me to give you the time of day. (Give me a nerd with a beard and ironic t-shirt any day of the damn week). But, this guy came up to me and STARTED TOUCHING MY HAIR. He grabbed a lock, looked at me with a semi-disgusted face (I'm expecting it is the same face he gets every time he looks at his own penis), and said "Nice dreds."

I give him my patented "you're the biggest fucking idiot I've ever laid eyes on" look and replied with, "Um. They're not dreds."

"Well, seriously, it just looks reeeeally bad. I mean come on," he says while STILL playing with my hair.

Deadpanned, I reply, "then quit fucking touching it."

His response? "You know, you should really think about being nicer to people."

"Pass."

I'M SORRY, but did you really just incorrectly insult me and then tell me that I needed to be nicer to people? I hope he dies in a grease fire.

That same night, I decided that my newly siiiiiiiiiiiiinnglllllllllee friend needed to make out with someone. I found a guy wearing a Cubs hat (as she is a devout fan), tapped on his shoulder and had the following conversation:

Me: "Are you here with anyone?"
Disilluisioned Baseball Fan: "Yeah."
Me: "Will you make out with my friend?"
DBF: "...............I'm here with someone."
Me: "Oh. I chose not to listen."

So, maybe Dead in a Grease Fire was right: I need to be nicer to people. Or at least listen to answers to my questions.



Yeah...I don't think that'll happen either.

Last summer, I was visiting some friends in Austin, Texas and really wanted to play with sparklers. I'm not real ballsy and this is as close to fireworks as I will get. Even though my mother tells me sparklers are just as dangerous. What.evs.mother. Well, I had like 40 sparklers and I wanted to see the prettiness of ALL of them lit AT ONCE. If you know anything about science, or fireworks, or fire, or common sense, then you're probably thinking "there is NO WAY Dragon Slayer would actually go through with that, she and her friends probably just discussed what would happen and went on to do something else equally stupid, but less dangerous." Well, if that is what you truly thought, you're an idiot. I lit it. And the sparklers WENT UP IN FLAMES. It was the coolest/scariest shit I've ever been a part of in my life. And I had burns all over my hands for months.

Oh shit, I was actually dead sober for this last one. Oh well, I'm not deleting it because it is already hard enough to think of blog-worthy stories. Although, looking over it, this story is extremely lame if you take out the fact that I was stupid enough to light 40 sparklers all at the same time.

Miss me, call me, love me.

TEAM JACOB!

Sorry to the "readers" for my lack of posting recently. In my defense though, there is little to no positive reinforcement for this well written BLOG and my psyche has had to recover from my hilarious work going unnoticed and/or unappreciated.

ANYWAY, guilt trip over. My computer program I need so I can work is down so CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET A NEW POST! Now I just need to decide what to write about...
Well, I saw Eclipse yesterday. Yes, I'm talking about the third installment of the Twilight Saga. I don't know why I keep paying money to see these damn movies. I mean, I read all the books and did NOT enjoy them. In fact, I would berate myself every night right before falling asleep for spending so much time reading a book I clearly was NOT going to get into. Let's face it- if you weren't hooked 30 pages into Book 1, you were NOT going to EVER be hooked. It's the same pouty bull shit over and over again. Granted, each book was better than the last, but that's like saying that the book has improved from fourth in the Special Olympics to bronze, then silver, and finally gold. No matter how much better the book does, it's still retarded.
SERIOUSLY!!! I normally can grasp why people become FANATICAL over a passing fad because I, myself, love embracing passing fads (i.e., Hanson, BSB [first album + The Call ONLY], N*Sync [2nd album ONLY], SNICK, Fruit Stripes gum, etc...) But this? I don't get it.

C'mon ladies- seiously! Why would she EVER pick that STUPID, sad, moping, pale vamper when she could have Jacob aka Hunka-hunka Burnin' Love! You have GOT to give that kid props for his body! You've also got to remind yourself that he's supposed to be playing a 16 year old in the movies so it is NOT okay to let you're mind get X-tina style dirrrrrrrrty.

(Side note- I think I just chipped my tooth on the peach I'm eating...and not on the seed. My dentist appointment yesterday obviously did not take...)

ANYWAY, the movie was as disappointing as I expected it would be. In fact, I fell asleep and APPARENTLY started snoring during a "romantic" scene. The bitch (gayman) sitting behind me kicked my seat and rudely hissed, "How can you sleep when there's so much sexual tension!?" SEXUAL TENSION MY ASS!!!! THEY DON'T DO IT TIL THE FOURTH AND FINAL BOOK! Edward's "afraid" he'll KILL HER! Pa-LEASE! Sounds more like E.D. to me. Maybe Bella should slip a little blue pill into his next pint of "vegatarian" blood and see if he's STILL afraid he'll kill her. GOD those books are SO STUPID!

Preacher loves you and your limp dicked boyfriend